God, I am not worthy!

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In the recent days, I have been confronted with the realities of existence and once again forced me to look critically into the meaning of life and death. It has been resting heavily on my heart and for the last week there has been something weighing me down, slowly as I step, wearily as I work through the day, somberly as I ponder looking into the gray sky; why, why them and not me?

As I finished teaching my class last Monday, I checked my phone as I always do to see if there are any texts from my absent students, any word from my family in the States, and Lord behold, I was floored to read a text from my sister that one of my students whom I have taught since he was 5 or 6 passed away at a young age of 39. Kris Camacho and his father both trained under myself and my father for many years. I have lost touch with them for several years but reconnected last year before I moved to Luxembourg and have remained in contact, following each other on social media.

It is said that the first impression is always the last. Although Kris was in his late 30’s all I can see was the cute vibrant young boy who was always excited and curious to be around me. He followed everything I did and literally followed me around everywhere I went, and he was such a joy to have around. He was so full of life, so happy, so filled with joy all the time. Even when he had to take several breaks during the day to take his insulin shots, having been diagnosed with diabetes since birth. Every time he would take out his insulin kit, pinched himself on the side and gave himself a shot, he did it with a smile, as though it was nothing more than taking a vitamin pill. However, whenever I saw him do that, it was hard to bare as I cringed inside with the reality of his situation, realizing that having sympathy for him and feeling sorry does him no good, yet I could not help to ask God, why?

He was exceptionally talented physically and for a young boy he had some of the best kicks I had ever seen. He excelled also in wrestling and surfing. He loved all of it and loved life. He admired me as a Hwa Rang Do master and emulated me, but I also admired and envied him as I surfed and wished I could be as good as he came to be. He became a legend in Huntington Beach and was loved by all his peers and elders alike. As I read the text, a flood of emotions overcame me and it dropped me to my knees in prayer with tears at the corner of the gym, asking God to care for him, not knowing whether he had accepted Christ as Savior. I tried to compose myself by wiping the tears aways from my face as two trial students approached me. I apologized for my appearance and asked them how they enjoyed the class. It was a couple and the woman replied, “It was awesome! I loved it.” I continued to explain about the class and how well they did, all the meanwhile thinking of Kris.

That night, I was so filled with remorse, I couldn’t keep from crying. Why, I asked? Why am I so sad? Then, next morning I was reading the Gospel by Matthew and came across the verses 18:1 through 6.

1 At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, “Who, then, is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” 2 He called a little child to him, and placed the child among them. 3 And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. 4 Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. 5 And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me. 6 “If anyone causes one of these little ones—those who believe in me—to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.

Then I realized that Kris was the first of my pupil whom have passed who was for me a child and it also reminded me the loss of my own child, and my greatest sin. I would have gladly taken Kris’ place and wished that God would have taken me instead. And, once again I was flooded with uncontrollable tears as I prayed for forgiveness as I have done countless times and each time I have felt the mercy and comfort of God, but the pain never goes away.

Later that day I came across a youtube video and saw a man who I was following on youtube, Nabeel Qureshi. He was a devout Muslim apologist from a strong Muslim family who converted to Christianity during his Med School years after many years of research and debate. Consequently, he lost his entire family to walk in the steps of Christ. Through the youtube video I discovered that he had died from stomach cancer at a youthful age of only 34. He did so much, travelled all over the world speaking, debating, lecturing to save just one more, working with Ravi Zacharias International Ministries, all the while writing books and fighting his cancer, fighting to live. Then, I saw a vlog by him in his last days on his deathbed, laying in his hospital bed with most of his hair gone and you can see the pain in his face, having barely any strength to even speak, holding his tears back he continued to speak of his faith in Christ and that there’s not one regret in his life, asking for everyone’s prayers, but that he’s embraced whatever is God’s will. The thing that most impressed me was that he announced the release of his latest book, but more importantly that he’s working on his next book. He was working for the “Lord” even in his deathbed.

Then, just today, upon my sister and my mother attending Kris’s funeral service, they sent me a copy of his eulogy from which I discovered that Kris had given his life to Christ.

It is strange for me yet it was the perfect timing as it is God’s will that I got to meet with Kris only a few months before I moved to Luxembourg. I was going through struggles of my own, contemplating leaving everything behind to move to a foreign land I barely knew to start fresh at the ripe youthful age of 52, right. Then, one day my sister told me that Kris took care of her and her friends at a nightclub he was promoting. You see Kris was one of the most successful nightclub promoters in Orange County. He never touched a drop of alcohol, never did drugs as he struggled each and every day to live, and was the most friendly person you could ever meet. He was the best host, an ambassador for OC.

I had lunch with him and thanked him for his hospitality and generosity. It was great to see him again and he was exactly the same as I remembered him when he was a child, so spirited, so joyful, and excited to see me. He brought joy back into my life and I felt youthful again, talking about surfing, skateboarding and the good ol’ days. He never lost that sense of wonderment and excitement for life as a child, he was what Christ was speaking of. Now, after his passing I realized why God brought him back into my life and I am truly humbled and grateful to have known him. My only regret is that I could not have been there for him. I am sorry Kris, please forgive me.

I didn’t feel deserving to be living, for surely Kris and Nabeel are far more worthy to carry the cross than I. However, I also realized that only God can know all and that we only know in part. So, with great humility I continue living, inspired by the lives of these two great men who have sacrificed much yet taken too soon from the world as we miss them, yet serving a greater God’s Purpose. I am truly humbled and inspired by your lives to do more, to be more, to always strive and never complain no matter how bad or desperate my situation may be.

I thank God for giving me a chance to reflect once more on the value of life and for the lesson to not waste a moment of this great gift. Also for the chance to have known and be influenced, inspired by these great men.

May you rest in peace in God’s grace and loving care, and hope that I may see you in Heaven if I am worthy.

With love and humility,

Reposted from Taedosa.com

The Four Loves

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“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

C.S. Lewis – “The Four Loves”

First time in utter ignorance
The anticipation of dabble diddle in the forbidden
Love and lust fused in wonderment
Consumes all mind and body
Nothing stands in its path

No Agape, no Philia, only Eros
If God willing
Words keep ringing
No future, no recourse, only Eros

All grown to maturity
Seen and done
Only tattered shirts left to tell tales
Love, last hope, last redeemer
Must be God sent

Fell in love with a C.S. Lewisian
Love only thyself
Hides in selfishness and luxuries
Keeping heart incased in gold casket
Hold lover in witch’s spells

Like Michelangelo’s masterpiece
So exquisite, so refined
Perfect in delusional eyes
To Lover only truth revealed
A loving child scared and scarred

Jealousy, distrust the core of disdain
Anger, money as bodyguards
Lies and cheat, never retreat
Must be right so rich and vein
Invited by all, but few to enter

No Agape, no Philia, only Eros
If God willing
Words keep ringing
No future, no recourse, only Eros

Submission must need
Lover surrenders for love as last hope
Taken captive by the love it enslaves
Nothing lost, only fallen men to gain
Promising love more than all can sustain

No warning no signs
Just as north wind blow waste
Forever entrust in foolish rhetoric and haste
In fear of loss of greed’s promise
In fear of love alone cannot fulfill

Can’t let go not for a moment
Must see and hear every whisper
Every sound and stay
Take aim and blame at what’s most dear
Burn all ships before come near

Heart broken and shattered
Dreams laid desolate with despair
Every worldly thing lost
Detached from the human race
Only reason didn’t jump, to God promise made

Many days and years past
Lost the fragrance of flowers
Lost the taste even for Ambrosia
There’s no sparkle in champagne
And no beauty in Eve

Want to destroy, maim and kill
But love not lost yet still
Everyday thoughts reveal
Can’t forget what was real
In the night, dreams never sit still

Near death, facing God yet no proof
If God willing
Words keep ringing
Surrender, let God take root

No love; Philia, Storge can restore
Only Agape can rebuild
Never knew God’s love
Until Eros shattered all that was
Hated all humankind for what’s in store

Only betrayal and deceit lay rampant
For woman can never be true
All their lives under other’s opinion
Cannot survive when truth be told
For whom can defend when stand alone

So many days and nights alone
Accompanied only by deep thoughts unknown
Reflecting all that once was
Held in company of men looked bright
Whence stood next to God it shone no light

Caution to future lovers of Eros
Like Adam, Ulysses, and Oedipus
Must first possess Agape before all else
For surely if not, one dwells
In the lonesome caverns of all hells

Yet surely when one asks
Have the serpent of love weaved it’s spells
I can say yea without regret or remorse
Yet, never wanting to suffer such harrowing end
For if I can embrace once again

I pray that it is
With the one that’s renewed
With the Holy Spirit
For I wish no other
Than to know the love lost is the Love True

Near death, facing God yet no proof
If God willing
Words keep ringing
Surrender, let God take root

God, I am in your hands. Please have mercy…
Forever vulnerable and humble I remain,

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Testimonials from Genova, Italy Part 2

Letters from Students and Instructors of Grandmaster Taejoon Lee’s European Tour of Seminars, Instructions, and Mentoring in 2016.

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MARCO REPETTO (Open Seminar)

It’s not easy at all to understand all of Kuk Sa Nim’s messages, I think there is a lot more behind what he tells us. Being there at the seminars in Genoa and staying close to Kuk Sa Nim all day made me feel things I never felt before. The first thing that amazed me was Kuk Sa Nim’s immense humility in what he does, especially when he relates with the audience. I tried to pay most attention to how he built the self defence lesson: piece by piece he has put together a great lesson with a lot of techniques; he was able to keep everyone’s attention and he made all of them have fun.

Based on what I’ve seen I think it’s possible to improve a lot but it’s really necessary to change something in my mind (I’m talking about the self defence and Tae Soo Do courses).

Hwarang forever!

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SAMUELE TARDITO (Mentoring – Open Seminar – Instructor)

Hwarang Sabumnim,

It was intense, at least for me, because he almost right away made me face myself, and after that he shared his perception.

I was expecting something different, a lot more step by step and even more philosophical; also without this formality, I’ve had many Mentorings in my life and with the Grand Master was very different, not worse or better, but very practical. You can feel and perceive that he’s a person who has had thousands of experiences, so he will surely have the answer you need. This is a reply directly from my heart; I’ve written it straight away with the words that came to my mind.

I thank him infinitely! This almost intimate contact was one tile, one more brick for my internal growth. Thanks to you too for giving us this opportunity.

Hwarang forever

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SIMONE NEGRO (Mentoring – Open Seminar – Instructor)

Hwarang Sabumnim!

I apologize for the delay. Incredibly right. It’s extraordinary the simplicity that he used to show me that the simplest solution is often the best one. I mean, that the cause of the problem and the reason why I can’t solve it is how I SEE the problem or how I think about it. As in “The last samurai”: “No mind”. I really should have gotten it before. I’ll have a lot to work on.

I thank Grand Master Taejoon Lee for his advices.
Hwarang

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MARCO REPETTO (Mentoring – Instructor)

Hwarang Sabumnim,

In the following text I’ll try to explain the thoughts I’ve reached these days.

Starting with the mentoring with the Grand Master, I could notice how beautiful it is to spend sometime with the Grand Master in a cheerful way without too many worries (he said it many times, at least on the Lake Maggiore, that is good to let down your guard to better understand and to go deeper into things, which also I always find it difficult to do, at least with him). What he says really goes deep inside the people; it’s hard not to agree with him, all of his speeches really make sense and he is able to effectively transmit what he senses and what he feels.

The hard part is to be able to catch everything that he wants to give us: eventhough he was usually very clear, I’m sure I’ve lost something that was “between the lines”. Concerning the time spent with him, it was great; I both had fun, and understood how much I’ve always been pushing on the wrong directions, until now.

Speaking with the Grand Master on the Lake Maggiore and in the journey to get there, I had the chance to ask him about some things, and he made me realize that many solutions for my problems were right under my nose and I couldn’t’ see them because I never wanted to see them. He told me many times that I’m isolating myself and he is so right about that… He is completely right!

…and he made me realize that many solutions for my problems were right under my nose and I couldn’t’ see them because I never wanted to see them.

I had the possibility to put myself on the line and try to test my attention and precision in the things I do without having a direct experience on what should have been done (taking care of Kuk Sa Nim, trying to translate English/Italian and vice versa, trying to ask things and speaking to him developing a conversation etc.). Surely, on the lake, as he himself said before, he wanted to completely relax, but I’ve tried to stay always aware and concentrated to do my best.

I’m thinking a lot about what Kuk Sa Nim has told me of my way of teaching, and here too… how can you argue with that? As he said “I’m at an age when I have to run a lot, strong and fast, without thinking too much about balance” but for certain my way of spreading Hwa Rang Do will change a lot.

I’m very honoured and happy to have spent some time close to Kuk Sa Nim, and I’m very sorry I couldn’t do more.

Hwarang Forever!

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GIUSEPPA ANTONIA SCICOLONE (Instructor)

Hwarang Sabumnim,

The time spent with Grand Master Taejoon Lee was useful to clarify many things about the practice; I appreciated his ability and availability to give clear information on how to move and how to teach.

I was pleasantly surprised when he proposed a suitable procedure for those who want practice, to move forward efficiently without spending much time, and to link the techniques so that they make sense, in respect to the student to motivate him/her to proceed.

I like the idea of a “school” that he proposed, but I see many obstacles to make it in a non-american culture. Bronze/gold certificates are now taking over in the educational path, even in Universities and in Italy, so the proposal of educational packets might be a successful challenge on a business plan. I don’t dare thinking of the financial implications, I’ll let the accountant speak on that.

In the last few days I could verify how our cognitive process is different, the Grandmaster asks for the individual thought, here it would be unpleasant to speak without specifying the cultural context we are referring to, and also it would be incorrect to mix together Philosophy and Religion because they have different instruments and research fields, but beyond the ocean the empirical thought dominates and I think Grandmaster Taejoon Lee has one of his own, which is a work in progress to the truth.

Of course to apply all the suggested changes will need a great effort, at least for me, and if I was a Tae Soo Do student I would be happy to understand and act with a clear goal, but as part of the instructor group I must work as a mirror and this causes me problems because it requires, other than remembering the techniques, also to do it overturned. We’ll see if I’ll be able to over take also this obstacle with practice.


We’ll see how it’s possible to treasure what happened these days. Surely, the Grandmaster’s passage brings everything into question and he wants to remove what is useless;

We’ll see how it’s possible to treasure what happened these days. Surely, the Grandmaster’s passage brings everything into question and he wants to remove what is useless; please allow me one quote, according to the logical principle of Occam’s razor, the only courses and instructors that will be able to stay active are the ones that can go straight.

I think that the biggest teaching I’ve received is to go straight to the goal.

Hwarang forever,
Giuseppina

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GOLINELLI ENRICA (Parent – Open Seminar)

Hwarang Giuseppe, we thank you for the email, Federico had a lot of fun, it was a wonderful experience and we thank you for this opportunity and for your teaching.

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NADIA STEGANI (Mentoring – Open Seminar – Instructor)

Hwarang Kuk Sa Nim,

As I already personally told you I’m very sorry I didn’t fully take part of the two weeks when you were here. However, those times when I participated were of great inspiration, and what surprised me many times is the completeness with which we discussed of the “easiest” topics, that in spite of their simplicity they were really enlightening.

I would really like to thank you for what you’ve told me in the mentoring: I probably already knew that I have to learn to trust myself more and to be more sure of what I do, but listening to you saying “believe in yourself” was very significant, and it gave me new energy to keep on going in everything I do.

…but listening to you saying “believe in yourself” was very significant, and it gave me new energy to keep on going in everything I do.

I really hope to see you again soon, and I thank you for everything!

Hwarang forever

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ANDREA COPPOLA (Open Seminar – Instructor)

Hwarang Sir,

Thank you for your time and for your immense energy, to be with you was an extraordinary experience. I remember when I first started that I was looking at the pictures and I thought: maybe one day Kuk Sa Nim will come to the Dojang.

I was terrified by this idea… there, it has happened, it seems incredible, such a strange training, it feels like time has flown away. I sensed the tension around even if you said to stay calm, well… it’s not easy, at the end it has been almost two weeks, I can only imagine how tiring it must be such a task, thank you.

I found remarkable the lessons on how to manage the prospects and how to develop their growth. What stroke me the most is that you gave us extremely simple advices, but with great results, we must learn to think in a different way.

To teach is really a great thing, but it needs solid foundations, honesty, strength, understanding, attention, I felt like a prospect myself in some moments. Now I can’t wait to start the new year of study for my class and I want to increase the number of students following your directives and suggestions.

Thank you for helping me in my private life, I’m reflecting, I’m thinking hard about what you said, putting into practice some of your advices, little by little, always going straight on and I see in front of me excellent opportunities.

Thank you for helping me in my private life, I’m reflecting, I’m thinking hard about what you said, putting into practice some of your advices, little by little, always going straight on and I see in front of me excellent opportunities. It’s hard, but deep down a warrior does not have an easy way.

I wish you a good continuation for your European journey, good health and happiness.

Hwarang forever!
Andrea
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Harmony = Grandmother

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Hello Everyone;

First, Happy New Year of the Sheep! Suppose to be the year of luck & fortune. I wish you all the very best in the new Year.

I have been absent for a while and thought I would restart my blogging by sharing with you my eulogy for my grandmother at her funeral in 2001. She is the mother of the Founder of Hwa Rang Do®, Dr. Joo Bang Lee. I think this is very appropriate to my current state-of-mind, my state-of-being.

“With the passing of our grandmother, I have no more grandparents. I feel extremely sad and a great emptiness overwhelms me like never before. Maybe I am a little older now and understand more deeply the value of what grandparents mean. I know that she is reunited with grandfather and I should not feel this way. However, I cannot help to think about all that she was and all that I should have done.

Har Ma Ni (Korean for grandmother), harmony in English means a pleasing combination of elements in a whole. Harmani was just that. She complimented everyone and everything. I have never met a more selfless, gentle, kind and generous person. It amazed me how she was able to communicate with Americans who probably never heard Korean in their entire life, by speaking Korean to them and with a few gestures they all understood her (now I understand that to be her energy, her intention; words are meaningless). Sometimes I thought she was psychic.

Whenever her grandchildren would visit her, she would give us something from the little that she had. When I was younger, it was sometimes annoying, but as I grew older I appreciated her generosity. To give, whether she was wealthy or poor, hungry or full, happy or sad.

Her greetings hello or goodbye was, “Did you eat?” and with that she would pull something out of her fridge and offer it to us. When I was younger, I use to fight with her and say that it was okay (as most people who know me, I have had a terrible appetite all my life; but it shouldn’t matter) and she would not take no for an answer, but now I will miss her carving the few apples she had left to feed her grandchildren. Even while she was in the hospital, helpless, fighting for her life, nearly comatose, when I came to visit her, she would mumble, “Did you eat?” I do not think that our generation can truly understand why she did that. We can never understand the struggles of her life when she was young fleeing for her and her family’s life from North to South Korea during the war; when food was scarce and every night she would go to bed hungry, and every morning would wake worrying how she would feed her seven children. I am sure she would have offered a piece of her own body to feed her children if she could. But today, we are all spoiled and we take the basic necessities of life for granted.

She was able to see the good in all of us no matter how bad we were. She was always happy to see us and she never complained about her condition and everyone else always came first.

I try to live my life without regrets, but I do regret, very much. In the recent years before she passed away, being her eldest grandson, her greetings to me was, “When are you going to get married?” And I promised her that she will see my wife before she goes to see grandfather, but because of my stubbornness and self-righteousness, I could not. We are all stubborn, self-righteous, and selfish, but she showed us that there is no room for any of that; not within the family and for her, the world. She was a true Christian. (Grandmother, have not married yet so you didn’t miss anything)

I regret not visiting her very much, but in my own mind, I had these great plans of making a lot of money and giving her all the things she ever wanted and more. I was once again self-righteous and full of myself. I should have done more for her. I am very sad today because it took her death to make me realize that I should cherish and love my family today and everyday by showing them how much I love them and not when I am ready to.

I thank my grandmother for raising and educating such outstanding children, my parents, with the traditional values of honor, respect for elders, and selfless devotion to one’s children and family and these noble traditions, I shall try to emulate for the rest of my life, not only to my family, but to all my friends and students.

Lastly, when my grandfather passed away, I felt my uncles, aunts, cousins all drift apart. It is my hope that Harmani’s passing will bring about greater harmony between all of her children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. (Of course this not manifest. How can harmony exist without harmani)

On behalf of all her grandchildren, I pray that God will give good care for my grandmother and we thank all of you for being present today to wish her farewell.”

She is my reference of serenity, calmness and true courage.
I will not promise,
I will not plan,
I will not strive,
I will not try,
I will be…

I miss you grandmother…

Grandmaster Taejoon Lee