God, I am not worthy!

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In the recent days, I have been confronted with the realities of existence and once again forced me to look critically into the meaning of life and death. It has been resting heavily on my heart and for the last week there has been something weighing me down, slowly as I step, wearily as I work through the day, somberly as I ponder looking into the gray sky; why, why them and not me?

As I finished teaching my class last Monday, I checked my phone as I always do to see if there are any texts from my absent students, any word from my family in the States, and Lord behold, I was floored to read a text from my sister that one of my students whom I have taught since he was 5 or 6 passed away at a young age of 39. Kris Camacho and his father both trained under myself and my father for many years. I have lost touch with them for several years but reconnected last year before I moved to Luxembourg and have remained in contact, following each other on social media.

It is said that the first impression is always the last. Although Kris was in his late 30’s all I can see was the cute vibrant young boy who was always excited and curious to be around me. He followed everything I did and literally followed me around everywhere I went, and he was such a joy to have around. He was so full of life, so happy, so filled with joy all the time. Even when he had to take several breaks during the day to take his insulin shots, having been diagnosed with diabetes since birth. Every time he would take out his insulin kit, pinched himself on the side and gave himself a shot, he did it with a smile, as though it was nothing more than taking a vitamin pill. However, whenever I saw him do that, it was hard to bare as I cringed inside with the reality of his situation, realizing that having sympathy for him and feeling sorry does him no good, yet I could not help to ask God, why?

He was exceptionally talented physically and for a young boy he had some of the best kicks I had ever seen. He excelled also in wrestling and surfing. He loved all of it and loved life. He admired me as a Hwa Rang Do master and emulated me, but I also admired and envied him as I surfed and wished I could be as good as he came to be. He became a legend in Huntington Beach and was loved by all his peers and elders alike. As I read the text, a flood of emotions overcame me and it dropped me to my knees in prayer with tears at the corner of the gym, asking God to care for him, not knowing whether he had accepted Christ as Savior. I tried to compose myself by wiping the tears aways from my face as two trial students approached me. I apologized for my appearance and asked them how they enjoyed the class. It was a couple and the woman replied, “It was awesome! I loved it.” I continued to explain about the class and how well they did, all the meanwhile thinking of Kris.

That night, I was so filled with remorse, I couldn’t keep from crying. Why, I asked? Why am I so sad? Then, next morning I was reading the Gospel by Matthew and came across the verses 18:1 through 6.

1 At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, “Who, then, is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” 2 He called a little child to him, and placed the child among them. 3 And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. 4 Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. 5 And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me. 6 “If anyone causes one of these little ones—those who believe in me—to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.

Then I realized that Kris was the first of my pupil whom have passed who was for me a child and it also reminded me the loss of my own child, and my greatest sin. I would have gladly taken Kris’ place and wished that God would have taken me instead. And, once again I was flooded with uncontrollable tears as I prayed for forgiveness as I have done countless times and each time I have felt the mercy and comfort of God, but the pain never goes away.

Later that day I came across a youtube video and saw a man who I was following on youtube, Nabeel Qureshi. He was a devout Muslim apologist from a strong Muslim family who converted to Christianity during his Med School years after many years of research and debate. Consequently, he lost his entire family to walk in the steps of Christ. Through the youtube video I discovered that he had died from stomach cancer at a youthful age of only 34. He did so much, travelled all over the world speaking, debating, lecturing to save just one more, working with Ravi Zacharias International Ministries, all the while writing books and fighting his cancer, fighting to live. Then, I saw a vlog by him in his last days on his deathbed, laying in his hospital bed with most of his hair gone and you can see the pain in his face, having barely any strength to even speak, holding his tears back he continued to speak of his faith in Christ and that there’s not one regret in his life, asking for everyone’s prayers, but that he’s embraced whatever is God’s will. The thing that most impressed me was that he announced the release of his latest book, but more importantly that he’s working on his next book. He was working for the “Lord” even in his deathbed.

Then, just today, upon my sister and my mother attending Kris’s funeral service, they sent me a copy of his eulogy from which I discovered that Kris had given his life to Christ.

It is strange for me yet it was the perfect timing as it is God’s will that I got to meet with Kris only a few months before I moved to Luxembourg. I was going through struggles of my own, contemplating leaving everything behind to move to a foreign land I barely knew to start fresh at the ripe youthful age of 52, right. Then, one day my sister told me that Kris took care of her and her friends at a nightclub he was promoting. You see Kris was one of the most successful nightclub promoters in Orange County. He never touched a drop of alcohol, never did drugs as he struggled each and every day to live, and was the most friendly person you could ever meet. He was the best host, an ambassador for OC.

I had lunch with him and thanked him for his hospitality and generosity. It was great to see him again and he was exactly the same as I remembered him when he was a child, so spirited, so joyful, and excited to see me. He brought joy back into my life and I felt youthful again, talking about surfing, skateboarding and the good ol’ days. He never lost that sense of wonderment and excitement for life as a child, he was what Christ was speaking of. Now, after his passing I realized why God brought him back into my life and I am truly humbled and grateful to have known him. My only regret is that I could not have been there for him. I am sorry Kris, please forgive me.

I didn’t feel deserving to be living, for surely Kris and Nabeel are far more worthy to carry the cross than I. However, I also realized that only God can know all and that we only know in part. So, with great humility I continue living, inspired by the lives of these two great men who have sacrificed much yet taken too soon from the world as we miss them, yet serving a greater God’s Purpose. I am truly humbled and inspired by your lives to do more, to be more, to always strive and never complain no matter how bad or desperate my situation may be.

I thank God for giving me a chance to reflect once more on the value of life and for the lesson to not waste a moment of this great gift. Also for the chance to have known and be influenced, inspired by these great men.

May you rest in peace in God’s grace and loving care, and hope that I may see you in Heaven if I am worthy.

With love and humility,

Reposted from Taedosa.com

The Four Loves

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“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

C.S. Lewis – “The Four Loves”

First time in utter ignorance
The anticipation of dabble diddle in the forbidden
Love and lust fused in wonderment
Consumes all mind and body
Nothing stands in its path

No Agape, no Philia, only Eros
If God willing
Words keep ringing
No future, no recourse, only Eros

All grown to maturity
Seen and done
Only tattered shirts left to tell tales
Love, last hope, last redeemer
Must be God sent

Fell in love with a C.S. Lewisian
Love only thyself
Hides in selfishness and luxuries
Keeping heart incased in gold casket
Hold lover in witch’s spells

Like Michelangelo’s masterpiece
So exquisite, so refined
Perfect in delusional eyes
To Lover only truth revealed
A loving child scared and scarred

Jealousy, distrust the core of disdain
Anger, money as bodyguards
Lies and cheat, never retreat
Must be right so rich and vein
Invited by all, but few to enter

No Agape, no Philia, only Eros
If God willing
Words keep ringing
No future, no recourse, only Eros

Submission must need
Lover surrenders for love as last hope
Taken captive by the love it enslaves
Nothing lost, only fallen men to gain
Promising love more than all can sustain

No warning no signs
Just as north wind blow waste
Forever entrust in foolish rhetoric and haste
In fear of loss of greed’s promise
In fear of love alone cannot fulfill

Can’t let go not for a moment
Must see and hear every whisper
Every sound and stay
Take aim and blame at what’s most dear
Burn all ships before come near

Heart broken and shattered
Dreams laid desolate with despair
Every worldly thing lost
Detached from the human race
Only reason didn’t jump, to God promise made

Many days and years past
Lost the fragrance of flowers
Lost the taste even for Ambrosia
There’s no sparkle in champagne
And no beauty in Eve

Want to destroy, maim and kill
But love not lost yet still
Everyday thoughts reveal
Can’t forget what was real
In the night, dreams never sit still

Near death, facing God yet no proof
If God willing
Words keep ringing
Surrender, let God take root

No love; Philia, Storge can restore
Only Agape can rebuild
Never knew God’s love
Until Eros shattered all that was
Hated all humankind for what’s in store

Only betrayal and deceit lay rampant
For woman can never be true
All their lives under other’s opinion
Cannot survive when truth be told
For whom can defend when stand alone

So many days and nights alone
Accompanied only by deep thoughts unknown
Reflecting all that once was
Held in company of men looked bright
Whence stood next to God it shone no light

Caution to future lovers of Eros
Like Adam, Ulysses, and Oedipus
Must first possess Agape before all else
For surely if not, one dwells
In the lonesome caverns of all hells

Yet surely when one asks
Have the serpent of love weaved it’s spells
I can say yea without regret or remorse
Yet, never wanting to suffer such harrowing end
For if I can embrace once again

I pray that it is
With the one that’s renewed
With the Holy Spirit
For I wish no other
Than to know the love lost is the Love True

Near death, facing God yet no proof
If God willing
Words keep ringing
Surrender, let God take root

God, I am in your hands. Please have mercy…
Forever vulnerable and humble I remain,

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Can you be strong yet not courageous?

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Strength and Courage:

It takes strength to be certain,
It takes courage to have doubts.

It takes strength to fit in,
It takes courage to stand out.

It takes strength to share a friend’s pain,
It takes courage to feel your own pain.

It takes strength to hide your own pain,
It takes courage to show it and deal with it.

It takes strength to stand guard,
It takes courage to let down your guard.

It takes strength to conquer,
It takes courage to surrender.

It takes strength to endure abuses,
It takes courage to stop them.

It takes strength to stand alone,
It takes courage to lean on a friend.

It takes strength to love,
It takes courage to be loved.

It takes strength to survive,
It takes courage to live.
– Sylvia Kelly

I came across this poem so very serendipitously.

I thought I was once strong, now I want to be courageous!

Strength got things done, made me feel invincible, gave sense of importance and value. But, what it lacked was calmness, humility, peace and joy.

After the dust settles and all is said and done, I hope I have gained some wisdom, some clarity. And, hope that I have done some good in the world.

I am left alone and it is here that I must start, and where I will finish – alone, but then we are never truly alone. So much noise, so much distractions, breath… calm…

True peace and happiness lies in courage; in the courage to let go of the pains from the past and the courage to surrender to the joys of tomorrow, by living today fearlessly!

The first step is to make peace with God, then the rest will follow…

But, then again that presupposes that you trust yourself, and that what you chose was correct.

So much noise, so much distractions, breath… calm…

hmmm…

“Conquering others is strong; Conquering oneself is mighty.”
– Lao Tzu

With love and peace,

Grandmaster Taejoon Lee

Grandmaster Taejoon Lee End of 2010 Message

There is much to be thankful this past year, as we have successfully celebrated our Golden Anniversary and accomplished the goals we have set for ourselves. The uniformity and standardization of art has given clear identity to our group, empowering all of us with pride and unity. Our Internet presence is stronger than ever through our sophisticated Internet development and marketing. Our sport venue is unrivaled as it is the only decathlon of martial arts tournaments, which covers all areas of competition – forms, weapon forms, stand-up kick/punch/throw fighting, submission fighting, and weapon fighting. As a collective, we are growing stronger, bigger, and better everyday as witnessed at our 50th Anniversary Events this year.

I should be very thankful and happy this year, as my father, our founder has been honored as the Man of the Year 2010 by Black Belt Publications and there’s much momentum for Hwa Rang Do to really shine in the public’s eye in the upcoming years. However, I cannot deny this slight aching in my gut, the perpetual feeling as though I am standing on thin ice, the uneasiness brought on by mistrust of our financial institutions and our government, and a sense of frustration and anger, which comes from feeling powerless knowing that only one percent our nations population possesses the majority of our nations wealth, not to mention the fear for our future generations as our planet is in jeopardy. I had never thought I would live through and witness the decline of our civilization. These are only things we read about in history books.

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The Fall of the Roman Empire

Although I am excited and happy about our accomplishments, how can I rest at ease knowing that our world, our nation, our people are doomed to repeat our mistakes all over again. With all the advancement in technology, it has made our lives easier or at least at face value. However, in reality it has made it easier for us to be distracted and influenced by those who have the finances and the power to do so. We are connected in everyway, all day, at home, office, or mobile. Yet, with all these means of better communication and access to so much information, our family unity and the sense of community are on the decline. People are becoming more and more hedonistic, self-centered, amoral and eager to consume whatever they can as quickly as they can.

In truth the advances in technology and globalization has sped up the decline of our civilization and we are falling exponentially. Our generation is living through one of the most profound moments in history as we are witnessing how the ideals of socio-economic and political models of the modern era are being played out as well as the potential destruction of our precious environment. Communism has fallen to democracy as only a handful of countries still remain; capitalism is prevailing over socialism or so it seems. However, unspeakable, unimaginable events have taken place. Who would have ever thought that communist states would adopt forms of capitalism as their economic model and democratic states socializing some components of their economy? Furthermore, how does the beacon of democracy turn into a militant state and more importantly, with its peoples’ support? And, how does a communist nation become an economic powerhouse, producing most of the world’s goods. Even more troubling, how do we allow an enemy vessel to come within 35 miles of our coast to launch a intercontinental ballistic missile without being detected? And, just even on the most fundamental domestic level, if we have made so many advances in our society, then why are there so many homeless people among us? When I was young, I had to search out the homeless like hunting for a dinosaur. They were rare to find and dwelled only in Downtown.

There are so many more issues domestic and abroad that I can discuss, but I want to spend more time on the solution. I have spent much time contemplating on this – how can we change so that these things never take place. By lifting the veil of secrecy and isolation through improved globalized communication and for such things as Wikileaks, it has brought the world together. None of the socio-economic and political theories exist in its pure form today. Much like the martial arts where the most popular these days are MMA or mixed martial arts, which a few decades ago would have been taboo, nations are combining and mix-matching different socio-economic and political theories to use what works best in combination for their needs. So, we can at least thank technology for this.

From assessing what is happening in our economy today, I think we can say that ultimately in any economic theory, it will always end up with the very rich and the very poor. We are currently draining our middle class and the rich is getting richer and the poor is getting poorer. We just don’t know it because our standard of living is higher than other third-world nations, but proportionally the disparity of the rich from the poor is the same if not greater than any other third-world nation. The only difference between socialism combined with communism and capitalism combined with democracy is that with communism the rich is dictated by the government and in democracy it’s up to the people, but the end result is the same – only the few with the most.

I went on to contemplate if there were any way to separate money with power and influence. There’s is a notion to separate the government completely not only from religion, but also in commerce so to prevent government interference which might favor one person, one company over another. Although, we have separated religion and state in theory, our nation is still ruled by Christians as politicians rally to gain the public’s votes and since the majority of Americans are Christians, so are all our politicians. Therefore, this notion of complete separation of government from commerce is speculative at best.

As a Hwarang and an Umyangian, we believe in balance and that not one thing will work always. It is knowing and understanding all opposing views and ideas to arrive at a balance and only then can we become harmonious with others and nature. It seems today that wars are no longer fought for political views, but rather as always for economics and archaic as it is, for religion. You can’t mix religion because of it dogmatic nature. How paradoxical that the very thing that professes peace is the thing, which is the root of so many deaths, bloodshed, and war.

There seems to be no answer in the external world. The only thing that I can come close to as a solution is looking inward. It is hardest to change our human nature. I know, I have been trying for over 30 years. However, without change we cannot advance. Even with so much advances in all areas of technologies, academics, and reformations, we still cling on to old dogma. It seems the only way to change the human condition is to change the human being. We must change our nature of greed, hatred, and power and come to realize that we are all in this together. That humanity is only as strong as its weakest human being. We must do as the great Mahatma Ghandi had said – You must be the change you want to see in the world.

We must collectively elevate our human nature, our human consciousness. That is the next step in our human evolution, advancing not only of the physical and mental, but more so of our spirit and consciousness. Put aside our differences and understand the power of ONE. We must value what’s noble over what’s pleasurable and selfish. We must as individuals and as a global community once again teach and relearn for ourselves that our value, self-worth, comes from the measure of our service to others rather than size of our bank account.

This is why I am so excited and happy to announce that we, the World Hwa Rang Do Association, is converting to a non-profit organization with the aim of becoming a humanitarian organization to empower the world one person at a time through the martial, intellectual, spiritual discipline of Hwa Rang Do. We are putting our money where our mouth is and committing even stronger to fulfill our goal of becoming a flowering human, and with continued efforts to one day become a flowering humankind.

Grandmaster Taejoon Lee

A Hwarang’s Reflections on his Journey Toward Happiness

This might be hard to stomach for some people:

“Nobody needs you. Seriously, you’re not that important.”

Often we are stressed and burdened heavily with the idea that without us, our family, our loved ones, our business will collapse. The truth of the matter is all things and all people are replaceable. When you’re gone your family, your children, your spouse, your business, they will all continue on; maybe not the way you intended on, but they will all go on without you. So, be blessed with today while you are here and do your best to be happy, help others, and not worry about what people will do without you. This is also one of the hardest things because we must destroy the ego. We build our self worth and value, defining ourselves by how many people depend and need us. But, once again the truth is nobody needs us, they’d rather we’d hang around, but whether they live or die, be happy or sad does not depend on us – it depends on the individual’s self-determination.

The magnitude of one’s suffering and pain created from their guilt and burden to perpetuate the family was evident and clear to me when one of my students broke down in tears in utter helplessness when he said, “I hate my parents. I want to die, but I can’t because I have to take care of my parents.” These sentiments, maybe not so harsh, yet just as real are felt by many first born sons, especially Asian. This got me thinking deeply about my own personal state of being. I never want my burden to family become the source of my pain and misery. However, recently I have discovered that at the core of my being, I am the same with misery and sadness, knowing that I will never satisfy my parents’ expectations.

Many opt to blaming their parents for this and become miserable adults with suicidal tendencies. I choose not to follow that path. it is not the parents fault for wanting their child to do their best and have a better life. So, I do not blame my parents and have accepted them and love them as they are. I wouldn’t expect anything less from them than to want what’s best for me. However, I can change how I perceive my duty to family.

Rather saying that I must take care of my family, I have to go to work, I have to care for my children, say I choose to do so. Changing it from something that you must, presupposing that you rather not do it, to a choice gives you back your power as well as changing it from something negative to something that’s positive. Being positive also takes practice and remember negative attracts more negative and positive attracts more positive. Life is not a magnet, life is life!

Let me make it clear. This is not to say do not care and help others, just to make yourself happy. That is definitely not the path to happiness. There’s nothing more noble or gratifying than to help others selflessly. What I am talking about here is rid oneself of guilt and inner pain for not being able to fulfill their duty or burden. First the individual has to be happy with himself/herself and be at their optimal in order to better serve their family and loved ones. Just don’t beat yourself up worrying about what they will do without you and just get busy and do your best, because in the end the worrying is not going to solve anything, but only through action.

This is hardest for me to stomach as I have to accept that Hwa Rang Do will exist with or without me. So, I choose to accept my legacy and do my best so that it will thrive even more so without me.

P.S.: When I was younger my need to carry my burden and fulfill my expectations fueled and motivated me to always strive. However, in my mid-life that same thing, which has been the source of my motivation has become the sinking Titanic that’s pulling me under to the depths with it. So, now I realize the source of my unhappiness and I choose to cut myself off from the sinking Titanic and liberate myself. Although it has not been easy, I am in the process of building another ship, one made from hope, reconciliation, and acceptance.

With love, peace, honor, and humility,

Grandmaster Taejoon Lee